Notes on Anger What
is anger? Technically, it is a feeling of intense antagonism or annoyance
in reaction to pain from a real or imagined grievance. It can be outrage at severe injustice or righteousness or an
unfair attack. Anger
as a strategy: using anger as a defence against one’s own self-loathing.
Angry people are bitter, lonely, and miserable.
Victims. If anger is
not expressed properly and is turned inward, depression results. Antidote
to anger: SALKANOOT - That’s Hebrew for patience, tolerance, acceptance. Feeling
pain at the actions of another does not mean we need to be angry.
Respond from a place of compassion, patience. Strategies
for coping with one’s own anger: 1.
Everyone has baggage; i.e.
irrational thought processes that are formed through the lens of (early)
experience and miseducation. Accept
that most people are strange, clueless, not the sharpest knife in the
drawer, etc.. Decide to love
them anyway. 2.
As a corollary of the above, when someone does something you
consider outrageous: “I know” “Everybody knows” “SHE should have
known” Guess what? She
didn’t know. People don’t
know. The fact that you know
is a miracle. Know this. 3.
Separate yourself. It
is not about you. Most of the
time people are saying something about themselves and their own fears.
For instance, if someone says you should lose weight, they are
really saying: “I am afraid of being overweight and judged lacking for
it.” 4.
Separate yourself. It
is about you. Whatever you
get angry about, that is where you feel insecure, unlovable, shameful,
etc.. For instance, if you
get angry because someone told you that you should lose weight, that is
because you feel somewhere that you are horrible for being overweight
(whether you are in reality or not). 5.
Set boundaries between you and other people.
As a corollary of the above, we get angry at others for the things
we don’t like in ourselves, whether or not we admit to those qualities. 6.
Your talents are not the talents of others; what may be easy to you
may not be easy to another. Also,
your way of doing things is not the only way.
Others can have their own ways that are different to you, and may
not even be as efficient. So
what? Let people do things
their own way. Let go. 7.
Lower your expectations. The
less you expect, the less you will be disappointed (especially from
children and spouses). As a
corollary - be grateful for everything.
This is wonderful relationship maintenance as well.
Note that kids do age-appropriate things; it isn’t fair to expect
them to be more mature than their age. They often grow out of habits, such
as writing on walls. Ask
yourself: will my child be doing this when they are living on their own or
with a partner? If not,
don’t sweat it. As part of
expectations, realise that no one is going to live your life for you -
don’t live vicariously through another, whether it be your children or
an idealised celebrity. Live
your life fully and you will have less expectations. 8.
Speak quietly when you are angry.
Or, even better, wait until you aren’t angry to raise an issue.
You may have to wait a few days, weeks, or even years.
This intervening time is one of process, not passive waiting.
This is to ensure that you speak from a place of SALVANOOT -
patience, tolerance, compassion. 9.
Justifiable anger - Sometimes, you need to pretend you are angry to
make a point to someone that won’t understand you any other way.
Don’t get caught up in the act.
Also, anger can be a useful bridge to tolerance and compassion, as
with people who have been abused. Don’t
get stuck on the bridge. Because
ultimately…. See point 4 above. 10.
Decide who you want to be. Do
you want to be a habitually angry person, judgmental and bitter? Or do you want to be a habitually compassionate person? In
the words of Buddha, “What you think, you become.” | |
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